Midlife crisis?

If I don't like the way my life is going, I have to make a change right? That's common sense. But why oh why does it have to be so damn difficult? I know what I have to do, I know why I have to do it. I just don't know how to make myself do it. I read somewhere that a dream without action is just wishful thinking. Too true.

I've been reading all kinds of motivational books to get myself going. I've tried surrounding myself with positive people. Heck, I even bought motivational CDs! Me! I tried re-watching Gokusen, to feel motivated. If only life were like japanese tv serials, where every episode could be neatly wrapped up, and everybody feels happy and become a better person. There, wishful thinking again!

A few months ago, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought everything was falling into place. I got transferred back to KB, just in time to apply for Masters and I could actually be with people who wanted the same things as me, careerwise that is. Nine months later, I didn't get into masters program, I'm losing interest in my work, heck I don't even like getting up in the morning! I hate feeling like this. I feel so lost and aimless right now. I don't know why I feel this way. I mean, am I having a midlife crisis? I'm not even thirty yet!

Medicine being a noble profession and all, I feel guilty just thinking about the fact that I don't feel fulfilled doing it. On the rare occasions that a patient expresses her gratitude I do feel somewhat soothed but overall this work is burning me out. It's hard not to be disillusioned, even when you tell yourself everyday that you're making a difference in people's lives. Bull***t ok. Most of the time, people don't appreciate what you do, 'cos to them,

it's your job, what? You get paid doing it right?

or something to that effect.

I don't know yet if I'm going to quit this. It's not even about the money, or the gratitude or the appreciation. Those are just the rewards I try to console myself with, to keep me going in this work. What really bugs me is that I don't feel that I'm developing, or growing as a human being. My biggest fear is becoming one of those people who just goes with the flow and in the end wondered how they ended up wherever it is they ended up! That's what happened to me after SPM. If I had the courage to swim upstream I might have ended up somewhere very different. Sure, it wouldn't have been easy, but it might have been worth it, just not to be here where I am now.

Damn, I must sound like a really whiny, ungrateful brat, don't I. No use crying over spilt milk. Life goes on, and all other cliches to that effect. Which still leads me back to the same question: how do I make myself change? What I wouldn't give for an epiphany right now...

To whom it may concern...

Lately it's becoming clear to me that common sense is not in fact, all that common. Neither is common courtesy. All this while I thought that to treat people with respect and kindness, in other words to treat people the way WE want to be treated by others, is a no-brainer, but apparently not. If common sense and common courtesies were diseases then WHO can throw a party because they're pretty much wiped out from the face of this earth.

Okay, I exaggerate. It's just wiped out from the tiny hearts of a few people I know. I'm writing this for those specific people, mostly just to vent. Not really hoping to make a change, because the sad fact is, people with no common sense and a lack of courtesy usually have thick skin, reduced hearing and loss of conscience.

I mean come on, you treat people like crap yet you whine when people treat you the same? Are you really that oblivious? It's a pretty simple concept you know; what goes around comes around. Don't you ever wonder why people don't like you? If it's only me then yeah, maybe you can say that it's a personal thing, but if 50% of your colleagues can't stand you then it is time to start muhasabah, please. Try growing up, I hear it works wonders for people with your condition. While you're at it, professionalism hasn't gone totally out of fashion too. Give it a go, you never know, it might stick.

Ikhlaskan niat...

In the midst of all the recent brouhaha regarding blogs, bloggers and whatnot, I find myself wondering why I myself wanted to have a blog? I'm not 100% sure. I like the idea of being able to express myself, and I find that forcing myself to commit to an idea and form actual opinions allow me to be less flaky and more consistent. I don't kid myself that people actually read my blog, but the process of blogging is highly therapeutic for me. I guess the same can't be said about people who use blogs ostensibly to express themselves but in actual fact use blogs to incite hatred and manipulate the truth. These individuals would stop at nothing to achieve their own ends, even using the law and so-called 'freedom of speech' to justify their actions. If Machiavelli was still alive, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.

The current political climate in this country is, frankly, a mess. Yet, being the cup half-full kinda gal I think it is a sign of growth. The mass majority is no longer satisfied with the kind of paternalistic style of politics we have had for the past fifty odd years. You can no longer tell us, 'this is what we are going to do. This is what's good for you. Just listen to us 'cos daddy knows best.' The mass majority wants to have a say in whatever decision that has to be made for our country and the sooner the people up there recognise this the better.

Having said that, I'm still sticking with the people who have worked hard for this country, instead of crossing over to a bunch of people who don't know what to do except commenting and laughing at other people's mistakes. If controversial half-baked gimmicks are all you're game for, then you're seriously undermining your voters' confidence in you!

Don't make a fuss, it's just a crush...

Okay, so maybe it's not the stuff love is made of, but there is something about a crush that can give you a high. Yes, even when you are 28 years old and should know better, you still grin like a babboon just thinking about that cute guy you work with. And this song starts playing in my head...

Setiap ada kamu..
mengapa jantungku ini
berdetak lebih kencang..
seperti genderang mau perang

Setiap ada kamu..
mengapa darahku
mengalir lebih cepat
Dari ujung kaki ke ujung kepala

Setiap ada kamu..
otak ku berpikir
bagaimana caranya
untuk berdua bersama kamu

AKU SEDANG INGIN BERCINTA KARENA
MUNGKIN ADA KAMU DISINI AKU INGIN...

A trip to Kuantan, and a detour down memory lane...

Just got back from Kuantan today. My first trip down and I had big plans to see the beach, and drive around town in between my course. As if! No such luck. The course was on thursday and friday, so by right wednesday was travelling day. But since there was no one to cover me, I had to do rounds in the morning and finish the ward work first. As it turned out, I only headed out around 1 pm. Not so bad, I thought, luckily I'll reach kuantan by 6. Little did I know that Terengganu was being 'remodelled' from top to bottom, on top of that lots of humongous lorries and tankers along the way. By the time I reached Kuantan I was ready to scream. Not to mention that my resident Physician called me on the way and told me to present a case for the State Mortality Review on Sunday. Yippee! Just how I planned to spend my weekend, worrying about things I can't do anything about. If I was informed earlier at least I could have brought the BHT with me and prepare the presentation but no, of course everything had to be done at the last minute.

Fortunately, the whole thing was not totally spoilt. The course itself (the reason I went to Kuantan in the first place) was damn interesting, and I learnt a lot. I also had some good news. One of my best friends is getting engaged. Congrats Raudha! I'm so happy for you:-)

Anyway, the course finished early, so I decided to make a detour in Kemaman to see another close friend, Jihan, whom I haven't seen since graduation! Exhausting catch up session - she's been busy! Got married, had two healthy boys. The youngest is just 7 months, so 'kawaii'!

The whole trip got me thinking of the last day of med school. Seems like it was just yesterday when we were piling up into the auditorium, nervously waiting for our name to be called out to receive our temporary APC. After that the whole day just passed in blur of celebration and relief (on my part, not sure about everybody else!). Even in the wee hours of the morning, I still couldn't sleep. Too much adrenaline I guess. Razi, Lai and I decided to go for a last meal at Delifrance, UMMC (wonder if it's still there?). of course, the chat turned to our hopes and dreams for the future. I still remember to my surprise that both Razi and Lai were pretty sure that I would get married first, because I kept falling in love and having crushes left and right. Haha! Guess you guys were wrong. Yelah, jodoh pertemuan tu hanya Allah yang tahu...

So, 5 down, one more to go...

Mother's Day

'Loss and possession, death and life are one, There falls no shadow where there shines no sun' - Hilaire Belloc.

I miss my mother. It's almost a year since I lost her, so this will be the first mother's day I'll be experiencing without her. I miss having somebody to talk to. In many ways, my mother was my one true confidante. We talked about anything and everything. I loved hearing her stories about how she and my father first got together (heheh) and her adventures during her university days. She never balked at discussing anything with me no matter how crazy it was.

Even at an early age, I had fallen into the habit of telling my mother everything that had happened to me. I asked her permission for everything, even during the rebellious teenage years. Kinda took the edge of being a rebel huh?

To me, the defining moment in our relationship happened when I was in the final year of med school. I was asking my mother for permission to go to Genting with my friends for a couple of days, just to take a break from studying. The thing is, my mother had never let me go there before. I wanted to go when I was in secondary school, and once in 2nd year of med school, but she wouldn't let me. Of course, I could've just gone, but I've never been comfortable going anywhere without her permission. So, anyway, she thought about it for a few minutes, then she said, 'You've never given me any reason not to trust you. From now on, you don't have to ask my permission, because I trust you.' At first, I thought she was joking, then I realised that she meant it. She really meant it. And she really trusted me, to make the right choices and not to abuse her trust.

That was the moment that really stands out in my mind whenever I think about my mother. If I ever get a chance to have a child, I pray to God that I could be even half as good a mother to my child as my mother was to me.

I love you mother. Al-Fatihah.